CJ Smith, MS, NCC, LAPC

Was there an experience, relationship or period in your life that changed how you understand healing and connection?

My understanding of healing began to change when I first went to therapy as an undergrad. My freshman roommate brought me to the counseling center on campus, where I was met with warmth and empathy. It was the first place where I felt like I could truly be myself and actually talk about what was going on in my life. My therapist was so welcoming and genuinely curious about me. She asked questions and actually cared about the answers. She gave me space to experience feelings that, growing up, I had been shown I wasn’t allowed to have.

One of those things was crying. It was really hard for me to cry when talking about things that were painful. We spent a lot of sessions working on being able to cry without getting upset with myself or apologizing over and over. She helped me know that I was allowed to feel however I felt, and I was allowed to show it.

Later, I experienced grief that I felt like I could not share with anyone. I felt as though no one would understand, or that I would be judged for having grief over those things. There weren’t a lot of people who offered help or even talked about anything like that. And so I felt like I wanted to be that for people. My first concrete step was applying to go back to school to become a therapist.

I think healing is giving yourself space to feel a lot of emotions and letting two things be true at once. You can love someone very much and also be angry that they’re not here. You’re allowed to feel all of those things without shame. That’s what I try to offer my clients: showing up authentically, without judgment, and letting them know they don’t have to bottle things up or pretend they’re okay.

What might someone be carrying when they first come to you, even if they do not yet have the words for it?

Some people come into therapy thinking there’s something wrong with them and that they inherently need to fix themselves. Through our work, we may find that there’s nothing wrong with them at all. They’re reacting and having emotions about things that happened to them. That’s not wrong. That’s normal. That’s human.

Sometimes people feel like they shouldn’t be angry, guilty, or sad. I try to validate those feelings and give them space to sit with them. They don’t have to bottle them up or pretend they don’t exist.

People often come to me when… they feel like there’s something wrong with them, or that they shouldn’t feel the way they feel, and need somewhere they can talk about it without being judged.

If a client described you after their first few sessions, what would you hope they would say?

I would hope they’d say they feel comfortable, safe, and accepted. Like they can say what they’re thinking or feeling and I won’t judge them for it.

In the first few sessions, I ask a lot about their life, what they’re coming in for, and what they’re looking for. I let things go at their pace. Sometimes someone comes in wanting to work on something specific, and our sessions end up focusing on something else. I’ll check in and ask whether this is what they want to talk about. They’re allowed to change their mind. What they originally thought they wanted from therapy doesn’t have to be what happens in every session.

Building rapport matters. You don’t have to have a heavy session every session. Sometimes there’s joking and laughing, and sometimes we’re just getting to know each other. I think those first few sessions are really important for building that comfort.

How do you adapt therapy to the person in front of you instead of expecting them to fit a particular model?

A lot of it is active listening, paying attention to their body language, and asking directly about what feels comfortable or helpful. As I get to know someone, I ask about their life and background rather than assuming I know what their experience has been.

There have been times when a client comes in and says, “I actually don’t want to talk about this. I want to do this instead.” My response is usually, “Okay, totally fair. I love that you were able to tell me that.”

Sometimes we’ll talk about the fact that they were worried about saying something, but they were able to tell me, and nothing bad happened. I think that’s super important. It’s not just letting them change their mind—it’s validating that they spoke up about what they wanted. I want them to know they can tell me when something doesn’t feel right for them.